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A Very Ordinary Birthday Blog

Today's my birthday. I like birthdays but this year seems very ordinary. This post is not meant to draw out validation, but it is meant to offer transparency. It is meant to be an outward telling of an experience that I believe many people have but don't talk about. Real talk: Sometimes life is real shitty. Doesn't mean it's always going to be that way; but, the least honest thing I can do is write when things are great or inspirational and then retreat when the shit gets deep.

For the last 4 years I felt professionally fulfilled - I had left corporate America, was running a start up, women's fitness company, meeting incredible humans at every turn and felt my work making positive changes in the people I met. I was soaring high with influence and passion for what I was creating. But then, the startup did what most startups do - it ended.

And I've been wandering. I don't know what my purpose is and I feel like I'm just clicking off the days one at a time in a very ordinary sort of way. For 4 years my work felt important- I used to do meaningful work, I used to love my work. I used to be somebody. Who am I now?

I used to get requests for articles, for appearances, for advice. But now what? Well, when things got hard, a lot of hurtful words were posted on social media, assumptions and accusations were made and hurled by many of the same people who were once so supportive. A couple people stood up for me- most remained silent.

There is no way to describe the pain that comes from birthing a company and then having it die after you've invested so much of your life, your time, your heart, soul and resources into making it magical. But not only that - to have your work trivialized by those whose life and livelihood isn't even affected by the changes is perhaps the most brutal of all.

I miss that work. I miss the community that was built. And I don't know what to do next. I'm very fortunate to be working for another product that I believe in, but it's not MINE. My work is supporting someone else's dream, their legacy, their vision, their creation. This is a totally valid thing to do, it just doesn't feel like "me."

Birthdays have always been something I enjoy, but I feel like a dud, like I'm currently all that I'll ever be even though I want so much more and have been so much more. Is this that mid-life crises "they" talk about?

What do you do when your dreams have crashed and burned and you're directionless? But, really. What do you do?


©2020 by Kristin Benton.

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