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Faith and F-Bombs

As I hit the first keys to start this blog, I'm already laughing because I know that if I ever write a book, it will be called "Faith and F-Bombs." There's really nothing more accurate to describe my life - it's a mess of faith and failure - over and over and over again.

If you've been following me for any amount of time - you know a lot about me. If you're my friend in real life, you know I have an solid attachment to well-placed f-bombs and use them liberally as the deepest expression of my soul.

What you may not know is that I love Jesus ... like, a lot. Yep. I said it. I'm a Jesus loving, faith holding, praying, Bible reading, sinning, cussing, mess of a human. If I were in your shoes right now, i'm either thinking, "ah! it all makes sense!" or "What? How am I just now finding this out?!"

Here's the thing. I've always loved Jesus; but, I've always felt unworthy of proclaiming this because of the immensity of my imperfection and utterly disastrous human condition. How can I authentically share that I love Jesus, while dropping an f-bomb in the next sentence and NOT be a fraud? Example: "I f%$*ing love Jesus." See? I didn't even wait for a second sentence. Easy as pie. *face palm" I'm a disaster.

So, it was easier to be quiet about my faith than to control my penchant for sailors' jargon that started around age 13 (ugh, see? disaster!). But it has eaten at me for all of my adult life. How can I love Jesus and NOT talk about it? So many hard choices.

And, now, at 39 years old, I've figured out that I don't have to choose to cuss OR love Jesus. I've figured out that "Saint status" isn't likely in my future, so I need to give up on waiting for that moment as the right one. I can talk about my faith, and I can cuss, and I can pray and I can try to be more like Jesus a little every day. I'm imperfect and probably exactly the person that Jesus would want to hang out with because I need Him. Like, really REALLY REALLY need Him.

Growing up, church was the place we went all dressed up in our best and played the part of saint for an hour then went home. When I walk into church now, I often feel like an impostor - not because of anyone at my church - in fact, they'll probably be really upset knowing I feel this way...they are the realest peeps ever, which is exactly why I love our church. So what's with this impostor syndrome? I feel like an impostor because I don't listen to God as much as I should. I tell God to "eff off" when I finally do listen but don't like His answer (I may even emphasize with a hand jesture in case he doesn't know how actually pissed I am). I am very aware of my sinfulness and how unworthy of His love I am in each waking moment.

I am more like pre-Jesus Mary Magdalene or better yet - bossy, self-reliant Martha- than I am Mary, mother of Jesus or Mary sister of Martha (are you even following this? I'm barely). I could chill with Magda and trade war stories or go head to head working as hard as Martha... even though I reaaaaaaaally wish I was more like either of the other Mary's.

But, in the end - Jesus loves all of the Marys, Marthas, Jezebels, Mother Teresas. Jesus even loves KBeezy.

As I call on myself and my clients to be authentic and to do so consistently, I personally convict myself. I've been channeling Peter *gasp*. And at the end of the day, I have a desperate need for God's love in my life. It cannot and should not be the last thing people learn about me.

Put aside all that you've assumed about Christianity and let's be friends. I don't require you to have the same views as me. I won't make you feel bad if your views are different. I love you the way that you are and I am the last one to judge you. Come have a seat with my - I'm somewhere in the middle between front-row perfectionism and back row slacker.

And, pressure, no pressure - Check out the live, streaming services from my church on Facebook each Sunday. You can always catch the replay, if you miss the live. Click here to learn more!


©2020 by Kristin Benton.

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