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I Was Raped & It's Not My Fault.

Trigger warning: Proceed cautiously if you are sensitive to descriptive rape situation.

In 1999 I was raped. I was 20 years old. This is my story.

I met a cute guy at a concert. A couple weeks later, I ran into him again at a sports bar near my apartment. We hung out that whole night. He was charming, good looking, fit, and intelligent. He gave me his number. A week later I called him.

He invited me to come over and I accepted. It was a booty call- I intended to fool around with him, have sex, have a good time. It was a Sunday.

When I got there, he was watching football. We talked a little. He asked if I wanted something to drink. I said water. He brought me water and I drank it.

He directed me to go lay on the bed and said, “I’ll be right there.” So, I went. I thought we were going to fool around, maybe hook up, whatever, we’ll see. I was ok with that- very ok.

I quickly started feeling sleepy. VERY sleepy. My eyelids got heavy and I couldn’t form words. He started kissing me. He ran an ice cube down my throat, sternum and abdomen.

I remember nothing after that.

I woke up some time later, drowsy, disoriented and confused. It wasn’t like me to just fall asleep- weird. My body felt heavy- almost glued to the bed. Why is my shirt off? Why are my pants off? Why is the bed beneath me wet? Where is he? How long have I been here?

It took me a while to be able to sit up because I had no use of my arms or legs. Once I did, I saw that he was on the couch watching football again. I put my clothes on and walked into the living room. My mouth was dry and I was still pretty out of it.

He said, “thanks for coming over” and walked me to the door. I remember the door shouting but nothing after that. I don’t remember getting in my car, the drive home or anything else that happened for the next 24 hours.

I never spoke to him or saw him again. I never reported it. I never even spoke of it until a couple years ago.


I was ashamed. I wanted to have sex with this guy and I felt guilty. I was afraid people would think I was a slut. I felt like it was my fault that I was raped because I put myself in that situation. I've taken myself through all of it- I beat myself up- "It's not smart to go to someone's place that you don't know. Why did I go there all alone? If I hadn't been so stupid, none of this would have happened."

But here’s the thing... I did NOT want to be drugged and have who knows what happen to me, by whomever, for who knows how long. I did not agree to any of it. I wasn’t given the opportunity to consent. I made a bad choice going to his place; but, that doesn't mean I deserved to be raped. It doesn't mean I was "asking for it." It means I made a bad choice. We have all made bad choices. What if you were raped every time you made a bad choice?

As I’ve thought about this over the years, what’s become most disturbing is that despite clearly intending to have sex with this guy, he still chose to drug me and rape me. He planned to do it. I wonder how many others he had done this to prior and how many after.

I share this story to say: SPEAK UP. You are not to blame. There is never a situation where being raped is your fault. Do not be ashamed.

The only guilt I carry is that I didn’t say something and that my silence may mean other young women were also raped by this person who wasn’t interested in sex- he only wanted me unconscious so he could rape me.

As a survivor of childhood abuse AND a survivor of rape- this is why I speak so loudly and why I seek an ever louder megaphone from which to say: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. DO NOT BE ASHAMED OR BLAME YOURSELF.

I found healing. I found hope. I found courage. I found my voice. It is the story of my life and it can be yours too. If you need to talk to someone, or report abuse/assault, call The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE or reach out to me, a trusted friend. Reach out to SOMEONE! You don't have to carry this in silent agony and you don't have to walk alone.

If someone comes to you for help- HELP THEM. There is nothing worse than being ignored or being told to just move on. Take ACTION when someone comes to you for help.


©2020 by Kristin Benton.

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